How quickly some things plummet to the murky depths of
oblivion. How easily can last year’s shining stars become dead debris floating
in space – destined to burn up entering the Earth’s atmosphere (in route to
those murky depths of oblivion).
Take for example the bicycle handlebar ashtray and spittoon.
Last year, suppliers could not keep these items on the shelves and the mail
order houses were months behind in filling back orders. This holiday season,
not one of either of these items has been purchased. Okay – sure – a few tandem
bike Captains went up in flames when their Stokers’ aim with their cigarette
butts wasn't quite up to par. And, yes, there were those petitions started by
a handful of elementary school principles complaining about the number of
little BMX bikes in their bike racks out front that had the handlebar ashtray
accessories installed on them. The American public – especially the American cycling
public – can be a fickle lot!
And that fickleness can darn sure make it hard for the loved
ones of the American cycling public to figure out what to get them for
Christmas! How are they going to know what the hot cycling-specific stocking
stuffers are for this year? Well – once again – thank goodness for…
Bertha’s Christmas Gift Guide for the Cyclist in Your Life
Here’s a small sampling of letters received during the last
few weeks wherein the loved ones of cycling fanatics, quite similar to the
loved ones that you yourself may very well have at your home, write in
to get guidance and advice for that perfect cycling-specific gift. (You will
probably want to make a copy of this article and leave it laying around, sort
of semi-conspicuously, for them to discover.)
Dear Bertha,
My son is a cycling nut. He gets out of bed three hours
before sun up, straps his little headlight on his bike, dons his reflective
gear, and then heads out for his normal 45-mile ride. Naturally, as his mother,
I can’t help but worry about him while he is riding. What is the best thing I
can get him for Christmas that shows I love him and support his sport but at
the same time shows that I am concerned for his safety.
A Dear Son’s Mom – Sioux Falls, Iowa
Dear Mommy Dearest,
Sometimes a gift is more than a package sitting under a tree
waiting to be unwrapped on Christmas morning. Many times a gift is an action or
something that you actually do to show your love. I think in your
circumstance, something along these lines would be a perfect gift – a gift to
make his morning ride safer. And, this can be relatively inexpensive since most
of what you will need can be found at your local hardware or home improvement
store.
Right after your son goes to bed, take his bike out in the
back yard (or other well-ventilated area) and spray paint it with fluorescent /
reflective paint. This paint can also be brushed on if you are ecologically
concerned about using an aerosol spray paint. I would suggest using two or
three different colors to make the bike more visible. After the paint has dried
just a bit, place several strips of red and silver reflective tape along all of
the frame tubes. You can cut thin strips to stick to the sides of the tires and
even wrap around the spokes. This whole procedure can be done in about thirty
minutes. There is no need to waste any time masking off any surfaces. Don’t
worry about covering up any wording on the frame – such as Colnago or Pinarello
or Cervelo. A good rule of thumb: The more haphazard the paint job, the more
hazard-free the ride. You might even want to think about doing this same
treatment to his helmet and cycling shoes.
Believe me, when your son wakes up in the morning and sees
your gift… let’s just say, I’m sure you’ll see faint traces of tears of joy in
his eyes!
Dear Bertha,
Let me come right to the point – I’m beginning to not trust
your advice. For three years now I have written you and asked about gift-giving
ideas for my wife who is a cycling nut. Granted, I made the mistake the first
year and bought her a vacuum cleaner but, after several surgeries, I somewhat
recovered from that and the doctors reassure me that the few small skull
fragments still embedded in parts of my brain will not cause too much long-term
damage. Who would have guessed that the carpet cleaning attachment for the
vacuum cleaner hose could have been hurled with so much force?
Other gift ideas you’ve suggested included leaving my spouse
stuck in a vat of goop for 48 hours while a mold could be made of her riding a
bicycle. Oh yes – I can see that idea racking up lots of points for husbands
around the world. Thirdly – the handlebar ashtray? I don’t think you even want
to know what my thoughts are on that ridiculous suggestion. I even saw where
you suggested that some guy buy his wife a garbage disposal for Christmas. How,
in heaven’s name, does a garbage disposal even come close to being a cycling
related gift?
This year, I have decided that I’m getting my wife the
132-piece Craftsman mechanic tool set and 7-drawer toolbox – regardless of what
you have to suggest differently.
Boris Jones – Milwaukee, Wisconsin
My Dear Boris,
Oddly enough, this is exactly what I was going to suggest
for you this year. However, you might want to possibly consider making that the
pink toolbox.
Dear Bertha,
I had a wonderful idea for a cycling accessory that would
make a wonderful gift idea. I was hoping that with your connections and
fabulous marketing skills, you could make this available to the masses within
the foreseeable future.
I’m sure that I’m not the only woman in the universe whose
husband insists on bringing his bicycle to bed with him. Sure this was fine
when he was single and living alone, but even with our king-sized bed, it’s
really beginning to get on my nerves just a little bit. I am thankful that he
finally moved the bike from the middle of the bed but, since he insists that
he absolutely must sleep on the right edge of the bed, this leaves me as
the one that ends up sleeping next to the bike.
Now, what I’m thinking – and you’re probably already reading
my mind here – padded bicycle pajamas. What do you think?
Gladys from Gladysville, Texas
Dear Gladys,
And people questioned my sanity over the handlebar ashtray!
Dear Bertha,
Okay. I’ll go out on a limb and trust you just one last
time. Pink it is.
Boris
Merry Christmas Everyone -
Enjoy the Ride!