Bicycle Microwave Oven Two

I want a bicycle that’s an expert at ventriloquism -

Throw its voice to the bicycle under the cyclist behind me.

I want a bicycle with a camouflaged paint job -

For those occasions when I don’t want folks to find me.

I want a bicycle that won’t laugh at me.

Although, laughing with me will be okay.

I want a bicycle that doesn’t have a taste for artificial bananas.

(I’ve heard that’s a leading cause of chainring decay.)

I want a bicycle that likes to lie on the beach

And maybe take up bike surfing as a hobby.

I want a bicycle with a good disposition

One that’s not too vain or too snobby.

I want a bicycle that’s as cute as my spouse.

(I know that one might be a tough bill to fill.)

I want a bicycle that can hop like a rabbit

At the exact moment I’m about to take a spill.

I want a bicycle that can predict the weather.

One that knows to turn around if it’s heading towards rain.

I want a bicycle with a supply of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

And a little sign that says: NO PAIN – NO GAIN.

I want a bicycle with teeth like a piano.

I want a bicycle that doesn’t have too much fur.

I want a bicycle with its own ZIP code.

I want a bicycle that goes down the road like a blur.

I want a bicycle with a unicorn horn.

I want a bicycle that used to belong to a mayor of a town in Maine.

I want a bicycle that doesn’t reek of cod liver oil.

I want a bicycle that knows how to raise some Cain.

I want a bicycle with a microwave oven

And a waffle iron so I can fix breakfast for my friends.

I want a bicycle with a soft paisley footstool

Just in case I need to stretch out my thighs and my shins.

I want a bicycle that suffers with issues of abandonment

So it’ll never stray very far from my side.

I want a bicycle that is ready at a moment’s notice

To hit the road and be eager to

Enjoy the Ride!


(Missed Part One? - Then just click here.)

Bicycle Microwave Oven

I want a bicycle with a microwave oven

And a waffle iron so I can fix breakfast for my friends.

I want a bicycle with a soft paisley footstool

Just in case I need to stretch out my thighs and my shins.

I think my bicycle could really use some dinosaur bones,

A mouthpiece from the trumpet of Louis Armstrong,

A couple of random office supplies from the desk of an Admin Assistant.

All this just to somehow help me pedal along.

I want a bicycle that knows that knowledge is power

And maybe I won’t have to pedal it with such great force.

I want a bicycle that I can ride in Utah

Where it’s illegal to fish from the back of a horse.

I want a bicycle with a pink flamingo on the handlebars

And hopefully the thing won’t be infested with ants.

I want a bicycle that knows how to wiggle its ears

And if I need it, give me a good kick in the seat of my pants.

I want a bicycle with a basket on the back for my cat

Made out of LEGO’s from that store in downtown Chicago.

I want a bicycle with a maid who will cook my waffles

And her husband will be the gardener - we’ll call him Santiago.

I want a bicycle with a huge, expansive front yard of Bermuda grass

Just so we can give Santiago something to do.

I want a bicycle that can walk up stairs and

While we’re at it, be able to walk up the down escalator too.

I want a bicycle that can catch foul balls at Minute Maid Park.

I want a bicycle that cleans itself at the end of each month.

I want a bicycle that can trim its own fingernails.

I want a bicycle that can think of a word that rhymes with “month.”

I want a bicycle that has dined with Jimmy Carter.

I want a bicycle that knows how to dream.

I want a bicycle that can walk like an Egyptian.

I want a bicycle that can make cookie dough ice cream.

I want a bicycle with a microwave oven

And a waffle iron so I can fix breakfast for my friends.

I want a bicycle with a soft paisley footstool

Just in case I need to stretch out my thighs and my shins.