Hunting for Ideas in St Albans, West Virginia
Dear Bertha –
I know everyone always writes in and tells you that their girlfriend is a cycling nut and that she has everything imaginable in the way of cycling stuff. I was one of those people last year. I wrote in to you and told you that I was thinking about just getting her a vacuum cleaner because I couldn’t think of any cycling gift to give her. I don’t remember exactly what lame cycling gift you suggested, but I pretty much ignored you and got her the vacuum cleaner instead. Well, let me tell you, spending the first three months of the year in the hospital was no picnic for me. As you predicted, the first chance she got, she used the vacuum cleaner to try and suck my brains out through my ear after I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching the football game. This year, I promise I will pay attention to your suggestions.
Learned My Lesson in East Leroy, Michigan
At Wits End in Eddyville, Oregon
Dear Witless –
You are so in luck! I just got an email today from this company that will make – are you ready for this? – a life-sized statue of your cycling nut loved one. Can you believe that? What greater honor can you give your husband? Imagine it – right there in your living room, or den, or on the back patio, or wherever – your husband and his bicycle, immortalized in resin and in full color wearing his favorite cycling kit. (Black and White versions are also available but for some silly reason, they are about 5% higher in price.) Let me tell you about the beauty of how this works. They put your husband and his bicycle in this huge vat about three feet wide, seven feet long and seven feet high. Then, when he is in his favorite cycling position, they insert a tube into each of his nostrils and attach them to an oxygen machine. Next, they fill the vat to the brim with some gooey, yellow substance. The gooey substance turns white as it hardens to make the mold for the final sculpture. Now, none of this is really all that important. What is important is that it takes about 48 hours for this stuff to harden to the point that they can break your husband out of the mold. This is more than enough time for you to go and do whatever the heck you please! Hey, what he doesn’t know what hurt him, right? Plus, this should more than make up for the fact that he bought you a vacuum cleaner for Christmas last year!
Well my cycling friends, surely by now this wraps up our gift-giving ideas for this holiday season.
Enjoy the ride!