ASK BERTHA - CHAMOIS TALES

It’s time once again to dip in the old mail bag and find out what kind of cycling-related dilemmas our loyal readers are currently dealing with.  So let’s end this opening paragraph right now and dive directly into the pending query.

Dear Bertha,

I have always had a problem with the chamois edges on my cycling shorts. Pardon my bluntness, but the edges really cut into me.  I have tried different brands of shorts with all different sorts of chamois and padding, as well as all kinds of lotions and ointments and such – but the results always turn out the same. I was wondering if you could suggest anything that could possibly help with the chaffing that I suffer after several hours and/or miles on the saddle.

Pain in the Butt, Sandy Bottom, NC

Dear Pain in Sandy Bottom, 

Even though I may have forsaken cycling for my newfound love of running until my legs bleed (yeah, right!), I don't mind at all sharing what I found to work best for me during my many cross-state cycling journeys.

First, I completely soaked my shorts in Wesson Canola Oil (you'll need about a gallon in a big pot because you'll want your shorts to really soak up the oil). It is rich in Omega 3 so your heart will also benefit from wearing these specially treated shorts. Prior to putting your shorts on, you need to pour 1/2 cup of Bertolli's Extra Virgin Olive Oil all over the padding. I'm sure there's some sort of joke to be made here about the "virgin" thing but this is a serious matter so I'm going to just keep it factual and not be sucked into some sort of childish, 6th grade humor.

Now, just before you pull your shorts completely up, use some Trader Joe's Canola Oil Spray all over your rear end and naughty bits. Be careful during this process because the Canola Oil Spray is highly flammable - you don't want to be smoking a cigarette (or anything else) at this point. Go ahead now and pull your shorts completely up and walk around in them for a few minutes before starting your ride. It will be a little strange and somewhat slushy feeling at first but you will get used to it.

When you're ready to start the ride, use a healthy portion of the Hain Safflower Oil directly on your bicycle saddle. You can just rub this in by hand for about two or three minutes to get the best results. This has a lot of Vitamin E in it so it is really best suited for real leather saddles - plus, it has enhanced fresheners in it so you will be really glad you used this at about mile 80 - as will anyone else riding within twenty feet of you.

I’m sure once you follow this simple procedure, you will be more than able to…

Enjoy the Ride – mile after mile after sloshy mile!

(Note: All products mentioned in this article are just regular items that you should be able to find in your friendly neighborhood grocery store or truly “alternative” bicycle shop. More On Cycling does not receive any monetary compensation for mentioning these items nor does it receive any percentage of the profits once these products fly off the shelves at lightning speed after thousands upon thousands of cyclists start using these products on the padding in their cycling shorts. Darn!)

(More On Notes: More On Cycling takes no responsibility for anyone who takes this article seriously and who possibly unknowingly rides their bicycle past a family of cannibals and is mistaken for a meal ready to throw into the frying pan.)


Now... go Enjoy the Ride!