Saturday, November 26, 2011


As always, people look to me to help settle their dilemmas when it comes to the subject of cycling. I suppose that I’m just cursed blessed with this ability to share and apply my vast experience in order to help others enjoy the sport of cycling. Once again, I feel obligated to relate some of the more recent cycling queries with you, my loyal readers.
Dear Bertha – How can I keep my bicycle looking showroom new week after week?  Jeff (address withheld pending notification of next of kin).
There are a variety of products available at the bicycle shops and other stores, Jeff, that will aid in keeping your bike looking like you just bought it – waxes, cleansers, degreasers, lubricants, etc., etc., etc. Along with these, all you need is to dedicate one or two evenings a week and to spend several hours meticulously scrubbing and cleaning each component to a radiant shine. Actually though, I find all of this quite tedious. To always ensure that you are riding a pristine looking bike, I recommend to simply purchase a new one each Friday evening after you get paid. It will leave you with a lot more time to ride. Give me a call and I will drop by to get the old ones out of your way – no charge.
My Dearest Bertha – Should I upgrade my bicycle to the newer eleven-speed components that are available on the market now? Nick (not my real name).
Yes, of course. There is no longer a market for the old 8-, 9- and 10-speed junk. In fact, Nick (I know it’s really you, Nick), it is quite embarrassing now to even be seen riding anything less than the 11-speed drive trains. Go buy the new stuff now – as soon as you finish reading this. And, since the old stuff is so worthless, just give me a call and I’ll come and get it out of your way – no charge.
Dear Bertha – Some people call me nerdy because my bicycle has reflectors on the wheels. Should I take them off? Kevin way out in west Houston – no, I mean the Kevin even further out west than that!
Heck NO, Kevin!! Why? What makes you think that those people even know what’s cool and what is not? My bike has streamers on the handlebars, curb feelers on the fender stays, AND reflectors on the wheels. You don’t hear anyone calling me nerdy, do you? Well, never mind – let’s move on the next question.
Dear Beulah – How much money should I spend on a new bike? Dave (Don’t tell anyone my real name is Robert).
Well, Rob- Dave, this would depend on how often you plan on buying a new bike. Would you buying one every Friday evening or more often than that? By the way, my name is Bertha, not Beulah.
Dear Ms Ashtabula – I’ve been thinking about buying some new, super-light componentry for my bicycle. I’ve been checking it out and I think I should be able to lighten up my bike by about one and a half pounds. Should I go ahead and do this or just save my money and go on a diet to lose some weight. Spike (not my real name either), Huntsville Penitentiary, Texas.
What kind of a question is that, Spike? Buy new bike parts or go on a diet? Buy new bike parts or go on a diet? Bike parts? Diet? Duhh! In case you can’t figure it out, buy the bike parts Spike! Dieting can always be put off until next year.
Well boys and girls, that’s all we have time for this go-around. Keep those cards and letters coming in and maybe I’ll just pop up again to assist you in solving your cycling dilemmas and to help you…
Enjoy the ride!

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