BERTHA’S CHRISTMAS GIFT-GIVING IDEAS

Here we are once again with the holiday season zooming in on us at the speed of light. Likewise, here we are once again faced with having to find that perfect gift for that special cyclist in our life. How often have we agonized at trying to figure out what our cycling-significant other would like or possibly even need in the way of a Christmas present? How many times have we leafed through the pages of the cycling mail order catalogues or wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles of the bicycle shops in search of that one item that shows our cycling companion that we really and truly care for them and their chosen passion? How many of their friends have we bugged to no end about what kind of gift to buy only to find out that they hadn’t bothered to pay any more attention during the last year than we had? For all of you who are finding yourselves in this exact same predicament, well, this is your lucky day (or night, depending on when you are reading this article). Just in the St. Nick of time, it’s:

Bertha’s Answers to Your Cycling Gift-Giving Dilemmas.

Yes, fortunately for all my loyal readers who are now in need of a cycling-type gift for the upcoming holiday season, I have been accumulating letters over the last few months from people all over the country who, unlike a lot of you, were smart enough to not wait until the last moment to realize that they needed help with their cycling-related shopping. Hopefully some of their letters will guide you towards making thoughtful choices and help you to get into a cycling-educated, gift-giving mood. Let’s head directly to that ol’ mailbag right now:

Dear Bertha,

Several years ago in one of your More On Cycling articles, you suggested that in order to save money, one could simply wrap their handlebars with plastic electrical tape rather than go to a bicycle shop and buy some authentic handlebar tape. Well, I took your advice and saved a whopping eleven dollars and thirty-eight cents. However, after a couple of weeks of riding in the July heat, the tape got really sticky and my hands became pretty much glued to the handlebars. At the time, I was descending a fairly steep hill near the lake and wasn’t able to reach for my brake levers when I came to the sharp turn in the road near the water’s edge. Unable to neither steer quickly enough nor stop my bike, I went off the side of the road and plunged into the lake. Fortunately for me, there were some fishermen close by and they were able to haul me and my bike out of the water. Needless to say, I think your suggestion about using electrical tape was pretty stupid and I wanted to know what you have to say for yourself.

Danny – Gravel Switch, Kentucky

Dear Danny – It’s obvious that your problem would have been non-existent if you had been riding a bicycle with coaster brakes.  Readers – please – let’s try to keep our letters on the subject of Christmas gift-giving dilemmas for the cyclist in your life.

Dear Bertha,

Several years ago, I used to read your More On Cycling column in my local bike club newsletter as well as a few other major publications. I must admit, when I saw recently that you requested cycling gift-giving ideas or questions, I wondered what kind of moron would actually write in to you. Oh wait – please disregard this letter.

Name withheld – The Woodlands, Texas

Dear Anonymous – Point well taken!

Dear Bertha,

I remember quite a while back in one of your articles you mentioned that one of the best ways to clean your bicycle was to simply ride it through an automatic carwash. You may remember that I wrote to you about this once before. That time I was merely complaining about all the broken bones and lacerations I suffered from being beaten up by the brushes and rollers from one end to the other of the carwash. So, as time has proven, the body has healed – but unfortunately the bicycle has turned into a heap of twisted framing and rusted components. Needless to say, I think your suggestion about riding through an automatic carwash was pretty stupid and I want to know what you have to say for yourself.

Imelda – North Pole, Colorado

Dear Imelda,

It’s becoming pretty obvious that I’m never going to be able to live down that slightly questionable advice – but, at least we can twist this letter around so that it is a little more to the topic at hand. Yours is not the only bike that has been rendered useless by the harshness of the carwash brushes and cleansing agents involved. Like many before you who have suffered the same unfortunate tragedy, it is simply time to go visit your local bike shop and purchase a replacement bicycle. Or, better yet, make sure your significant other knows you need a new bike for Christmas!

Dear Bertha,

My wife is a cycling nut! She started cycling because I was into cycling when we got married. Now she is just totally into it. She has a titanium bike and she has all the latest specifically-made-for-a-woman cycling stuff. She has all the coolest gear, gadgets and gizmos one could ever need or want for the sport of cycling. She has every book ever written about cycling and has been on every great cycling ride and tour that has ever been organized in modern times. I tell you, I don’t think that there is anything she could possibly need in the way of a cycling-specific Christmas gift. Do you think maybe I should just buy her a vacuum cleaner instead?

Jerry – Embarrass, Minnesota

My Dear, Dear Jerry,

You truly need to fully understand the term that even you, yourself, used in your letter – cycling nut. A true cycling nut does not have to be satisfied with only one of everything. Go ahead – buy her another titanium bicycle. I swear, if you buy her a vacuum cleaner, I hope she shoves it in your ear and sucks out what little brains you have left!

That’s about all we have time for now cycling-readers. Hope that you and your families have a safe and happy holiday and that you be sure and save a little time to…

Enjoy the ride!

(Let us take this opportunity to once again remind everyone that More On Cycling does not recommend riding your bicycle through an automatic carwash, using plastic electrical tape instead of actual handlebar tape, or using a normal, household vacuum cleaner to try and remove any portion of a human brain via the ear canal – everyone knows that's what a Shop Vac is for!)

ASK BERTHA

Due to an overwhelming demand (and along with a little prompting from my sister, Esther) it’s time for an informative round of: Ask Bertha – the forum where everything that you ever wanted to know about cycling gets answered . . . and leaves you pretty much feeling like you’re sorry that you asked. Let’s not waste a single moment as we dive right into our first question . . .

Dear Bertha –

I am planning a trip from Houston to Dallas. Is it okay for me to ride my bicycle on I-45?

Bob – Hitchcock, Texas

Dear Bob –

There is no problem at all if you choose to ride on I-45 – as long as you can maintain the minimum 45 mph speed limit. There is one thing that you should keep in mind though while riding through Houston: In case you break down on the freeway, can you make all the necessary repairs in less than six minutes? If the answer to that question is “no,” then be prepared to fork over $75 to $100 to have your bike towed off the shoulder by one of the six tow trucks that will be surrounding you instantly, even before you’ve had a chance to take your spare tube out of your saddle bag.

Dear Bertha –

I am planning on riding the MS-150 this year and I am wondering what kind of bike I should buy. What do you recommend?

Norman – Fred, Texas

Norman –

Those who know me know that there is only one kind of bike I recommend – a sturdy, dependable cruiser. My motto is: Anything less than 60 pounds is probably 40 pounds too light. Sure, you can go out and spend two or three thousand dollars on some carbon fiber lightweight bicycle with ultra-modern componentry which will probably allow you to pretty much forego any kind of formal MS-150 training since probably the slightest wind will just push you all the way to Austin – (well, or Beaumont, depending on which direction it is blowing). But anyway, what sense of accomplishment is there in that? I ride a Schwinn 6-speed cruiser and I set out first thing on Saturday morning at Tulley Stadium in west Houston with the best of them. Approximately three weeks later, when I arrive in Austin, I feel that I’ve really proven something and made a difference. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Let me know if you want to tag along.

Dear Bertha –

Hi. You may remember me from a few years ago when I wrote in and asked about ways to keep my bike clean. You suggested that I go to the automatic carwash and go through the lane on the far right – you know, the one where you just stay with your vehicle as it goes through the wash. Well first, I’d like to apologize for taking so long to write back to you regarding this matter – I’ve only just recently come out of the coma that resulted due to following your suggestion those many years ago. This whole “coma” incident has sort of led me to believe that your idea here might possibly not have been a good one. I think that the brushes may be just a little too rough on the bicycle (not to mention the bicycle rider). Do you have an alternative solution?

Marty – Leck Kill, Pennsylvania

Marty –

Let me start off by saying how truly sorry I am for those last few years. If it is any consolation, I did go and visit you in the hospital on several occasions during that time – as well as with nearly fifty other people who followed that somewhat questionable advice back then. My only real comfort during this whole ordeal has been how glad I am that I don’t write for any widely distributed publications.

But enough about that – let’s get to the real heart of the problem here – how to get that bike clean. Lord knows it is probably covered with years of dust now and needs a really good cleansing! Actually, I wasn’t too far off those many years ago – I just didn’t have a real concept of how strong those brushes were. It became obviously clear to me that the bicycle (and/or rider) needed to be anchored down a little more securely so as to not get tossed around so violently throughout the length of the washing experience. I found that even my 60-pound cruiser, when weighted down with a slightly ignorant volunteer who I conned persuaded to help me run some tests, didn’t fare too well either. Finally, it hit me like a ton of bricks (or in this case, like a 60-pound bicycle followed by a slightly ignorant volunteer) – put the bike on the bike rack on the back of the car and just drive the car through the carwash. How simple is that? Unfortunately my slightly ignorant volunteer drives a convertible and the top is broken in the down position so once again, he didn’t fare too well during the test run – but you get the idea.

Dear Bertha –

Where did the first bicycle come from?

Ernie – Grassy Butte, North Dakota

Ernie – Ernie, Ernie, Ernie –

This is really a stupid question and no one really cares.

Dear Bertha –

You wrote several years ago about how it’s not really a good idea to replace the air in your tires with your favorite sports drink. The main reason for this being a bad idea, according to you, was that it was too difficult to get your lips on the valve stem between the spokes when you wanted to take a drink. Well, that was then and this is now! There are countless numbers of wheel manufacturers offering rims with 20, 18, or as few as 10 spokes – all of them easily allowing ample room for one to get a good grip on the valve stem with their lips and suck their sports drink of choice out of their tires when thirsty. This would save weight by allowing a rider to do away with water bottles, bottle cages, backpack hydration systems, etc. Don’t you think that in light of this current technology, you could retract your previous statement and now endorse filling your tires with sport drink as a good idea?

Craig – Lily Pons, Maryland

Dear Craig –

It’s so good to know that you are able to write letters while still in a coma.

Dear Bertha –

On a recent club ride, the lead rider went down and took out the six riders directly behind him. The remaining riders started calling out several different phrases to the rest of the pack – among them: a) “Riders down!”; b) “Cyclists down!”; c)”Crash ahead!”; and d) “Seven up!” In order to avoid confusion should something like this happen again, which of these is the correct phrase to use?

Mary – Squirrel Valley, California

Dear Mary –

I’ve got to hand it to you, you almost got me with that one – that is, until I realized that it was a trick question. At first glance, the obvious choice seems to be d) – Seven up. However, right off the bat, one will notice that seven aren’t up – they are down. Of course, “Seven down” just doesn’t sound as cool as “Seven up” so that’s why no one even bothered to call that one out. In the old days, choice a) – Riders down – would have been more correct. But in these modern “it’s-all-about-me” times, it has become more socially acceptable (or vainly acceptable, or arrogantly acceptable, or something) for each rider to actually call out their own name followed by the word “down” as they are going down. Likewise, as they untangle and commence standing up, they will loudly announce their own name again, followed by the word “up.” Cycling packs of the new millennium have found this procedure to be a lot more effective as it takes a lot of pressure off of the riders (who managed to stay upright on their bikes) from having to figure out the correct phrase to start calling out.

Dear Bertha –

When do you know it’s the proper time to take the training wheels off of your bike?

Andrew – Arkabutla, Mississippi

Andrew –

Just go for it! Someday, in the distant future, if you find yourself awakening from a coma that was a result of that first training-wheeless ride, write me again! For now…

Enjoy the ride!

(Note: More On Cycling does not recommend that anyone ride their bicycle on I-45 or through a carwash, or drink sports drink out of their tires, or fall down in a pack, or write letters to Bertha Ashtabula, or even take the training wheels off of their bikes – while in a coma.)

DEAR BERTHA – PART TWO

As always, people look to me to help settle their dilemmas when it comes to the subject of cycling. I suppose that I’m just cursed blessed with this ability to share and apply my vast experience in order to help others enjoy the sport of cycling. Once again, I feel obligated to relate some of the more recent cycling queries with you, my loyal readers.

Dear Bertha – How can I keep my bicycle looking showroom new week after week?  Jeff (address withheld pending notification of next of kin).

There are a variety of products available at the bicycle shops and other stores, Jeff, that will aid in keeping your bike looking like you just bought it – waxes, cleansers, degreasers, lubricants, etc., etc., etc. Along with these, all you need is to dedicate one or two evenings a week and to spend several hours meticulously scrubbing and cleaning each component to a radiant shine. Actually though, I find all of this quite tedious. To always ensure that you are riding a pristine looking bike, I recommend to simply purchase a new one each Friday evening after you get paid. It will leave you with a lot more time to ride. Give me a call and I will drop by to get the old ones out of your way – no charge.

My Dearest Bertha – Should I upgrade my bicycle to the newer eleven-speed components that are available on the market now? Nick (not my real name).

Yes, of course. There is no longer a market for the old 8-, 9- and 10-speed junk. In fact, Nick (I know it’s really you, Nick), it is quite embarrassing now to even be seen riding anything less than the 11-speed drive trains. Go buy the new stuff now – as soon as you finish reading this. And, since the old stuff is so worthless, just give me a call and I’ll come and get it out of your way – no charge.

Dear Bertha – Some people call me nerdy because my bicycle has reflectors on the wheels. Should I take them off? Kevin way out in west Houston – no, I mean the Kevin even further out west than that!

Heck NO, Kevin!! Why? What makes you think that those people even know what’s cool and what is not? My bike has streamers on the handlebars, curb feelers on the fender stays, AND reflectors on the wheels. You don’t hear anyone calling me nerdy, do you? Well, never mind – let’s move on the next question.

Dear Beulah – How much money should I spend on a new bike? Dave (Don’t tell anyone my real name is Robert).

Well, Rob- Dave, this would depend on how often you plan on buying a new bike. Would you buying one every Friday evening or more often than that? By the way, my name is Bertha, not Beulah.

Dear Ms Ashtabula – I’ve been thinking about buying some new, super-light componentry for my bicycle. I’ve been checking it out and I think I should be able to lighten up my bike by about one and a half pounds. Should I go ahead and do this or just save my money and go on a diet to lose some weight. Spike (not my real name either), Huntsville Penitentiary, Texas.

What kind of a question is that, Spike? Buy new bike parts or go on a diet? Buy new bike parts or go on a diet? Bike parts? Diet? Duhh! In case you can’t figure it out, buy the bike parts Spike! Dieting can always be put off until next year.

Well boys and girls, that’s all we have time for this go-around. Keep those cards and letters coming in and maybe I’ll just pop up again to assist you in solving your cycling dilemmas and to help you…

Enjoy the ride!

BERTHA’S FAVORITE RECIPES FOR CYCLISTS ON THE GO

Some people that know me fairly well also know me as one who does not often like to cook. It has even been rumored that I don’t even know how to cook. Well, to those folks I say “Phooey!” (I think that is a French word but I’m not sure of the spelling.)

I will now share a couple of my nutritious, quick and easy recipes for the cyclist on the go:

Recipe Number One – Spaghetti-O’s. First, you take a pan (I don’t know quarts from teaspoons – it’s about six inches in diameter and will hold about three or four inches of water) and you fill it with about two inches of water. Put this on the stove – on one of the burners. Now, take a can of Spaghetti-O’s and open it. Throw the top in the trash can and place the can into the pan of water. Turn on the burner. While this begins to heat, fix a glass of tea. Pretty soon the water and the Spaghetti-O’s inside the can will start to boil. Maybe stir it a little when this happens. After a bit, turn off the stove and get your pot holder (or some pliers) and lift the can out of the pan of water. Get a spoon and eat the Spaghetti-O’s right out of the can. Drink some tea. Mmmm-mmmm good!

Recipe Number Two – Chef Boyardee Ravioli. This works pretty much the same as recipe number one.

As you gain experience in the kitchen, you will learn to just leave the pan of water on the stove – no need to dump it out each night simply to refill it again the next day. Another handy thing about these recipes is that you only dirty up one spoon and one glass each meal. This makes clean up a virtual snap - which leaves you with plenty of time to…

Enjoy the ride!

A SUNDAY MORNING

I jumped in my van last Sunday morning and headed up to the corner convenience store for a newspaper and to fill up the gas tank. I rounded the corner, pulled into the drive and immediately noticed that the gas pumps under the canopy were gone. “How odd,” I thought, “when did they take those out?”

Oh well – no big deal. There was a Chevron gas station only half a mile up the road. Upon arriving I was greeted by another pumpless gas station canopy. I looked across the street – another convenience store – completely void of gas pumps. I thought to myself, “Seems that something like this should have been reported in the TV news or in the newspaper.” I headed on down the road.

A mile away, as I approach the Exxon station, I could see the closed sign in the window. A block away from that – Texaco – closed. On down the street – Shell – a graffiti-covered building obviously out of business. What the heck is going on here?

I glanced down at my gas gauge. It was on empty. I had driven at least ten miles from the house. Did I have enough gas to get back? I glanced up the highway and it was at that precise moment that I realized I was the only vehicle on the road. I hadn’t seen anyone else driving a car since I’d left home. I was beginning to panic. This was turning into something like an old Twilight Zone episode. I was frantically driving toward my house. I seemed to be getting further and further away from home – no matter how fast I drove. Then the van started sputtering. It died. Oh no! This can’t be! I cranked the key – pumped the pedal. Nothing. The van coasted to a stop. Alone – in the middle of the desert – thousands of miles from my home.

With a terrible jolt, my eyes burst open. My heart was racing – my body wet with sweat. I was lying in my bed – safe in my own house. It was all just a silly dream.

I got up, took a quick shower and dressed. I jumped on my bicycle and headed to the corner store for a newspaper and a gallon of milk. The morning was peaceful and all was pleasant.

I was still thinking about my dream – how foolish it was. Why, there hadn’t been any gasoline anywhere on earth for over twenty years now.

Enjoy the ride!

INTERVIEW WITH CYCLING-GREAT, STERM ARCHER

A few years ago, while on vacation in Cawker City, Kansas (home to the world’s largest ball of twine), I was eating lunch at a quaint café on main street when who do you think I spotted sitting at a table across the room? If you guessed cycling-great, Sterm E. Archer, you are correct – and congratulations for remembering the title of this article which you may have read just a few seconds ago! At this point in the story, I could take up time and space by telling you all about the waitress who took my order, how she looked and what she was wearing and what I had ordered to eat and even what Sterm was eating; or I could mention how casual Sterm looked in his frayed and faded blue jeans topped with a tattered Grateful Dead t-shirt two sizes too big – but these trivial facts have absolutely nothing important to add to our story at all – so let’s just jump right into the interview:

Bertha – Sterm, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see you and to get this chance to talk with you. What do you think of the roast beef and mashed potatoes here at this quaint café in downtown Cawker City, Kansas?

Sterm – You know Bertha, there isn’t too much here in this café that doesn’t taste delicious. I probably have the roast beef at least twice a week. I noticed that you had their famous Twine Ball Platter. That’s one of their more popular dishes – even if it is just spaghetti wrapped around a giant meat ball. Busloads of people come here to order that one.

Bertha – Yes, but enough trivial talk that has absolutely nothing to do with our interview. You’ve been retired from the cycling scene for several years now. What do you do here to pass the time?

Sterm – My wife, Agnes, and I teach calf roping – and macramé. Anything to do with rope is pretty popular in this town. I also collect rope and string, like many others around here – it’s everywhere. I’ve got quite a collection. I find it on newspaper bundles, on tents at campsites, on boats tied to the dock out at the lake. I’ve even got the rope that they used to hang the Australian outlaw, Ned Kelly. Of course Agnes has macraméd that into a hanging end table.

Bertha – I’m sure a lot of our readers remember you from when you were famous but, to those new to the sport of cycling, why don’t you take a moment or two now to remind us how Sterm Archer made a name for himself, thus etching his name in the cycling history books for all time.

Sterm – Naturally I raced all of the major races in the 60’s and into the early 70’s. It was in late 60’s though when a new cycling sport burst upon the scene – underwater racing. It was started over in England. I was actually living there at the time and it rained all but about seventeen days during the two years that I lived there. I had joined the local cycling club not long after moving over there and, due to the horrid weather, our activities mostly consisted of eating and drinking at the local pub and waiting for the rain to stop. One day when we were sitting around our favorite (or favourite as they would type) local pub, the barkeep announced that they were out of everything except water – and of course, tea. So anyway, not wanting to pay for water when we could get all of it we wanted for free outside, we decided to just go for it – after all, we were a cycling club – and it was just a little rain. Once we got used to that, there was no amount of water that would stop us from riding. It became addictive. We looked for more challenging places to ride and race. We drew quite a large crowd for our race of the Thames and the English Channel. Stateside you probably remember the Great Mississippi River Race and the two month-long Tour de Great Lakes. Needless to say, you have to possess some pretty good lung capacity to participate in underwater racing.

Bertha – What kind of bicycles did you ride while racing underwater?

Sterm – Mostly they were rusty ones.

Bertha – What are some of your more memorable cycling experiences?

Sterm – There was this one time, I was cycling about a mile or two off shore in the Atlantic and came to an abrupt drop off on the ocean floor. I slammed on my brakes and spun around just in time to keep from plunging into total darkness. At that precise moment, a form came plummeting toward me from above. The form turned out to be another man. He grabbed my shoulders and came to a stop on the very edge of the ocean cliff. At first I thought it might be someone else enjoying the sport of underwater cycling but he didn’t have a bicycle – plus, he was wearing a suit and tie – and a bucket of cement around his ankles. He had some rope tied around his wrists which had also gotten caught in the spokes of my front wheel. I quickly untied it (figuring it would be a nice addition to my collection) and then the ocean floor gave way and he abruptly sped on down the cliff and out of sight. I cycled on back to the shore.

Bertha – Any idea who that guy was?

Sterm – I was never really sure. But a few days later I read in the newspaper that a certain local union leader had disappeared off the face of the earth.

Bertha – That sounds like it truly was a memorable cycling experience. Now, I’m sure that this must be as much of an honor for you to meet me as it is for me to meet you. Do you have any questions that you would like to ask me?

Sterm – Funny you should mention that, Bertha – yes, there is something that I’ve wanted to ask you for quite a while. I am an avid fan of yours and always enjoy your informative and factual articles. A while back I was reading my favorite (favourite) cycling publication and was grossly interested in your Bluebonnet Express Ride Report. However, what happened to installments two through five as well as seven? All I ever saw was Part One and Part Six.

Bertha – Well, Sterm, funny you should mention that. I wrote those segments of my story while I was cycling across northern Kansas. I didn’t have any paper with me at the time so I wrote them all out on a piece of rope I had with me…

Sterm –That makes absolutely no sense at all.

Bertha – How about: Well, Sterm, funny you should mention that. I wrote those segments of my story while I was cycling in the Tour de Great Lakes. Since I didn’t have any waterproof paper…

Enjoy the ride!



FROM HAIRNETS TO HELMETS

Way back when I first started racing bicycles, we were advised to wear helmets. Most all of the races that I attended required that we wear a helmet if we were going to compete. This was back in the early 70’s – and some of you may remember what bicycle helmets looked like back then. They were leather or vinyl-covered material that we fondly nicknamed: hairnets. We would always joke about them really not doing the cyclist much good – they were primarily intended to save the ambulance drivers from the hassle of having to search for the pieces of our brain in case we were to have a bad wreck.

But the concept was a good one and, like most everything else in our lives, progress and technology have delivered us from the days of the near-useless hairnet helmets to a time when helmets are lightweight, functional, aerodynamic, and a fashionable as well as proven safety feature for today’s bicycle rider.

Participate in almost any cycling tour, race or event and you’ll almost assuredly be confronted with the instructions that helmets are not only recommended but are mandatory. Try getting on any of the off-road riding establishments without wearing a helmet – as soon as the folks in charge spot you, your day of riding on their property will come to an abrupt end. More and more cities are adopting regulations requiring that children wear helmets while on bicycles. Ride with any organized bicycle club and, if you don’t show up with a helmet, more than likely you find someone eager to let you borrow one of their spares for the ride.

There are good reasons for this. Accidents happen. And, a lot of the time the person who gets hurt the worst isn’t always the one who caused the accident. Wearing a helmet is just good insurance that less damage will be inflicted upon your head if and when an accident finds you. On that related note, you’ll notice that there are some clip art images of cyclists accompanying this article. A lot of them are riding old fashioned bikes and they are all sort of smiling and looking like they are have a wonderfully good ol’ time – and they are not wearing helmets. “What’s this?” you say. Well, for your information, all of those people in those clip art images are dead! Probably because they weren’t wearing a helmet and crashed sometime after they posed for their clip art image. Somewhere in my clip art file, I have an image of an old-timey ambulance driver at the scene of an old-fashioned bicycle wreck, looking in vain around the side of the road for pieces of the cyclist’s brain. Thank goodness this clip art is in black and white – it’s not a pretty sight.

Please, don’t run the risk of becoming a piece of clip art – wear a helmet when you…

Enjoy the ride!

Click here for a little more in-depth history of the bicycle helmet.